Monday, December 21, 2015

Holiday Blues and Ridiculous Thoughts

Ahh. S.A.D. rears its ugly little head.

When nothing means anything you lose track of time. I had no idea this was the week of Christmas.

I was a bit surprised that my holiday malaise didn't surface until this weekend. But had no idea what that meant.

Maybe if I had focused on the early warning symptoms, I would have been better prepaired emotionally and not be so set to crash.

Had a hard weeked. Every old behavior came flooding back. Every nuace of inflection or absence of response exagerated and extrapolated into self deprecating thoughts and feelings of rejection.

I should have realized. This has always been part of the unique cocktail of mismatched neurotransmitters that fuels my depression Especially the trigger involves themes of family and love.

The holidays currently upon us celebrate those very notions. The reality of disconnection from the holiday spirit makes for a lonely hollow time.

It's so strange that I can feel nothing and cry at the same time. Tears indicate emotion. Yet there are no emotions that I can identify.

Not the horrible aching despair of realcitrant depression. Not the weary fog of isolation. Not the veil of numbness. Then, what?

Lonelines? Longing? Unstimulated?
Rotting on the vine?

I don't know, but it is unpleasant. Both to see and to wear.

Just whining. Harshing mellows. I've tried to be positive. And I have been pretty good at it so far. For me anyway.

Wasn't as tiring as usual. Right now I'm working on at least keeping the tongue civilized. Soo easy. Soo comfortable to just lash out. Say horrible thing about myself , the world and life as a whole. Purge. They do leave afterward but why subject others to that bile?

I usually don't think about much that's beyond my own nose. Never notice that I'm vomiting the poison all over others. I may eventually realize it but it never used to be a problem.

Now I've "met" a few people online that are pretty positive cats. Or they keep their toxicity out of the experience. Don't dwell on feeling betrayed by own mind.

I must stay upbeat. Or so I would force myself to be. But that builds resentment, withdrawal and hiding in the isolation of indulging my depressive symptoms.

I don't want to do that anymore. It's only the holiday dysfunction within myself and my life that makes me want to pout, bitch, sulk, whine, throw it all up and out.

I did a little. But now I need to pull away from it. The desire, need & want to complain and paint the world in darkness to match my mood.

My mood. My ache to soothe. My scalding to tend. Keep them hold onto them identify them and they will dissipate eventually.

I actually kind of believe that. Not just faking till I'ts taking. My mind is yet clear enough to rember having seen this work.

White knuckle my way through and it's easier to get to the other side unscathed and unscathing.

Now, how to white knuckle the mental nausea without substance abuse, without illicit drugs, without any of the numbing tactics.

Now that I think about it, what really works  is making. Creating. Planning out. DOING. Even if it's just a small crochet silliness like a tiny technique test, it helps. Both in distracting me from my morose thoughts and tying up my time so I can resist writing crap as comments.

If I need to vent, I blog. Not particularly pleasant content  for any visitors, but how many of them wander by?

Like stream of conscious journaling only fashioned a bit more coherently.

Okay. I'm tired, and my jaw is killing me. Broken tooth nu under the gum line is loosening but still jyst barely attached by whatfeels like neural fibers alone.

Last time it happened I just yanked out the tooth fragment nerve ends and all. Short stab of pain ad it was over. The most painful part was getting the anchoring nerves to break.

This time, I can't reach the bastard with my big fat fingers. Attempts to rock it out with a Qtip have failed tdue to the occasional blinding pain that comes from pushing down on the tooth . Side to side, not so bad. Down on, hit me on the back of the head with a giant crescent wrentch and knock my ass out.

Anyway, the throbbing has settled for now. Eyes are droopy. It's early yet. 11pm.

I needs my beauty rest.

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