Wednesday, December 16, 2015

What Do I Have to Offer Anyone?

Was over at  listening to this week's podcast-

Dec.16.2015  #48: Giving Back

The host/ceo/guy in charge, Jordan Woods-Robinson is a lively actor/musician. Endlessly cheerful man with a very appealing way of seeing the world. 

Of the 7 points/suggestions offered and the many concurrent ideas and examples explored in this podcast, one in particular resonated with me:

#5 Speaking on Behalf Of Others
A way you can give back every day is by thinking outside of yourself and supporting those who don’t have a voice in the conversation...that don’t have a voice of their own...share a viewpoint, do so in order to help enrich the conversation. Social media makes it super easy to share.

I'm very good at feeling the outsider. I looks like I prefer to be alone. That I like being lonely. No. Not & never been the case.

Interacting with people exhausts me. When with others I act the part. Engage in conversations, try to be seen without making a scene. However, it consumes a great deal of energy to maintain that personable fun gal.

It's not a facade. It's me. Part of me. But it costs so much. Any extraverted behavior from me must be played out against a powerful  introverted mindset .

Think of it as inertia. Social interaction is akin to going uphill. It requires energy to start moving and even more to keep moving, or more accurately, keep from not moving.

I'm a lonely soul desperate to belong but unable to reach out in a sustainable way. Clingy & pathetic is no way to maintain friendships nor enter into Relationships.

Always thought I was alone in this until I was "introduced" into group therapy treatment. We were all the same! It was oddly comforting to know I really am wired incorrectly and not just a moody bitch who inadvertantly  pushes everybody away.

So what does any of this have to do with giving back or speaking up for the voiceless? It occurred to me that I belong to a group of people that has a voice but doesn't want to use it.

When I talk about my particular flavor of depression I have always just talked with out much thought about consequences. Only to inevitably later realize that no one wants to hear it, everyone suffers,the world has bigger problems ,yada yada yada. So then I get to feel shame & guilt for caring about what's inside my head, heart ,soul.

The group consisted of bright, fun, talented and kind people. Every one of which would stay to themselves if left to their own devices.

It's not only the exhaustion of interacting, it's also the fear of being hurt. And we do get hurt, easily and deeply. Because we are the only ones that understand the push&pull of our own conflicted minds.

We can't explain it to others because it's embarrassing and, ironically enough, isolating. We already feel that we don't belong. We aren't about to open our mouths and prove it.

But I do. Even if I wind up hating myself later, I'll open my big mouth and never stop talking. Obviously. So why not put it to good use?

I'll never get those that don't understand to get it. Don't even want to try. Talk about exhausting! No. What I can do is describe what's going on in the belfry. The whys behind the whats.

Maybe that can be my gift to those of us that run hot & cold on human interaction? I can still hear the doubt, feel the reluctance, taste the tears. But I already do this. I just need to stop fighting wanting to say it out loud & choose the best venue for the comments.

I don't know about opening up a dialogue just yet. Need to crawl before I walk or run. This blog has been the venue for me in the past. I was embarrassed. But I didn't stop blogging because of fear. After all, I'm almost completely sure no one even reads this stuff.

I stopped because I fell out of the habit when in and out of hospitals from 2011to2014 and it's taken me all of 2015 to get back into it.

I only hope that I can see it though and actually return to this. And addressing it also with my art. Let the world tire of my message,just don't let me stop trying to say it.

OK I'm tired now. Even interacting online is a huge drain of energy.

Yours in depression,

The Cx

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