Feeling better. Of course, I can't sleep; but, I feel better. Kinda. No. I do. Really. Really. Wonder how many times I have to say that before I convince myself?

DK
DC
C

Beauty, Family , Seasonal Effective Disorder & the Almighty Void

Finally saw the Wiz live. Broadway show revival. On TV. Missed first half watching original Wizard of Oz. Very meta.
I forgot the impact live performance musicalsh have on me.

Watching enjoying myself, then the fog descends over me and I become sad. Verge of tears. Not sure why but I expect it has to do with gigantic gaping fissures  in my psyche that are my character faults.

Every single time it's the same cloak of repeating words, "So beautiful. Too beautiful. Yet something else I will never be able to do."

I am incapable of beauty and it breaks my heart everytime I remember that. Stupid tears in response to feeling stupid sorry for myself. Always.

Just tried to watch Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Fifteen minutes is all I lasted. Then they were unecessarily cruel to two animal characters. Seperatigthem from their families and killing or abusing their children in their absence.

I can't describe how much I hate that crap! Yes, fiction. Yes cg animals. Nothing realm yet I am so enraged & upset. Family issues. Just freaking disembowel me with a dull hatpin.

My stupid feelings get hurt so easily. Devastated by what isn't real. But I hate it. People you love being taken from you and killed IS NOT FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT!!!

Not for me.

Not ever.

Merry Christmas.

C

What Do I Have to Offer Anyone?

Was over at SOSstudio.co  listening to this week's podcast-

Dec.16.2015  #48: Giving Back

The host/ceo/guy in charge, Jordan Woods-Robinson is a lively actor/musician. Endlessly cheerful man with a very appealing way of seeing the world. 

Of the 7 points/suggestions offered and the many concurrent ideas and examples explored in this podcast, one in particular resonated with me:

#5 Speaking on Behalf Of Others

A way you can give back every day is by thinking outside of yourself and supporting those who don’t have a voice in the conversation...that don’t have a voice of their own...share a viewpoint, do so in order to help enrich the conversation. Social media makes it super easy to share.

I'm very good at feeling the outsider. I looks like I prefer to be alone. That I like being lonely. No. Not & never been the case.

Interacting with people exhausts me. When with others I act the part. Engage in conversations, try to be seen without making a scene. However, it consumes a great deal of energy to maintain that personable fun gal.

It's not a facade. It's me. Part of me. But it costs so much. Any extraverted behavior from me must be played out against a powerful  introverted mindset .

Think of it as inertia. Social interaction is akin to going uphill. It requires energy to start moving and even more to keep moving, or more accurately, keep from not moving.

I'm a lonely soul desperate to belong but unable to reach out in a sustainable way. Clingy & pathetic is no way to maintain friendships nor enter into Relationships.

Always thought I was alone in this until I was "introduced" into group therapy treatment. We were all the same! It was oddly comforting to know I really am wired incorrectly and not just a moody bitch who inadvertantly  pushes everybody away.

So what does any of this have to do with giving back or speaking up for the voiceless? It occurred to me that I belong to a group of people that has a voice but doesn't want to use it.

When I talk about my particular flavor of depression I have always just talked with out much thought about consequences. Only to inevitably later realize that no one wants to hear it, everyone suffers,the world has bigger problems ,yada yada yada. So then I get to feel shame & guilt for caring about what's inside my head, heart ,soul.

The group consisted of bright, fun, talented and kind people. Every one of which would stay to themselves if left to their own devices.

It's not only the exhaustion of interacting, it's also the fear of being hurt. And we do get hurt, easily and deeply. Because we are the only ones that understand the push&pull of our own conflicted minds.

We can't explain it to others because it's embarrassing and, ironically enough, isolating. We already feel that we don't belong. We aren't about to open our mouths and prove it.

But I do. Even if I wind up hating myself later, I'll open my big mouth and never stop talking. Obviously. So why not put it to good use?

I'll never get those that don't understand to get it. Don't even want to try. Talk about exhausting! No. What I can do is describe what's going on in the belfry. The whys behind the whats.

Maybe that can be my gift to those of us that run hot & cold on human interaction? I can still hear the doubt, feel the reluctance, taste the tears. But I already do this. I just need to stop fighting wanting to say it out loud & choose the best venue for the comments.

I don't know about opening up a dialogue just yet. Need to crawl before I walk or run. This blog has been the venue for me in the past. I was embarrassed. But I didn't stop blogging because of fear. After all, I'm almost completely sure no one even reads this stuff.

I stopped because I fell out of the habit when in and out of hospitals from 2011to2014 and it's taken me all of 2015 to get back into it.

I only hope that I can see it though and actually return to this. And addressing it also with my art. Let the world tire of my message,just don't let me stop trying to say it.

OK I'm tired now. Even interacting online is a huge drain of energy.

Yours in depression,

The Cx

Been a weird few years. Only just got back into exposing myself in public. You know. With lengthy, meaningless, meandering, much too personal prose. One difference - I've taken to Tweeting my finger off instead of just blogging my guts out.

Been resistant to social media because of my penicillin sensitivity. (Because it's social, like VD used to be "social disease" get it? Huh yeah--- never mind. Lame over-reach there.)

So I got lonely & thought I'd give the whole Twit thing another go. I prefer it to Facebook. Never could get into that. Ironically enough, I prefer the quick hit that Twitter offers. No opportunity to get vociferous because of the 140 thing.

Yet I love to ramble on and FB allows that. I just feel very exposed at FB. Too many people that know me from the disaster strewn timeline of my life. The posts linger too long. Anyone can see everything. Don't like that. Too damned shy.

Yes, shy. I have the soul of a recluse yet an empty ailing lonely heart. Desperate to make a connection. I'm vulnerable for it. And it has cost me in the past. Always my own big mouth's doing. But painful none the less.

In fact Twitter may be a little too quick. My mind likes skipping around to different topics. I still love collecting ideas & Twitter is a wide river with a fast moving current. Always being brought new things, ideas, images, thoughts and people. But it's so fast that I can't connect.

I don't know how to connect one on one, face to face. So I squirm & alienate & don't get and/or stay connected. And that's when I have the room to wriggle and sidestep & walk away. 

I'm tired. 10AM. Tired. Listless.  Lifeless  Scared of dying like this. Trying to stay short & sweet via Twitter training . Obviously, no luck. Alas.

No joy in Mudville.

Mighty Ceci has struck out.

Later
The big Cx

At one dizzying point of the retool/edit I tried making the base of the second ear wider to match the 1^st ear which would make the pattern:

1. ch3, slst in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next ch (first ch worked), ch5, slst in 2nd ch from hook, hdc in next ch (3rd ch of ch5), ch2 t
2. 2 sc in 1st sc hdc of previous row, sc in each of next 2sts, 2sc in next st, ch2 t

I didn't like the new look so I went back to the original pattern as seen in the charts... and, of course, I subsequently forgot to alter the written instruction:

1. ch3, slst in 2nd ch from hook, sc in next ch (first ch worked), ch5, slst in 2nd ch from hook, hdc sc in next ch (3rd ch of ch5), ch2 t
2. 2) sc in 1st sc of previous row, sc in each of next 2sts, 2sc in next st, ch2 t

My apologies for the mess. Thank you for both spotting the error and bringing it to my attention.

If you decide to try the wider ear base version please note that the rest of the written instructions would need altering to compensate for this change.

Please let me know if you spot anything else that doesn't sync up.

Hope this helps.

 

Always, C

Turkey Palooza 2011

Happy Happy Turkey Day

It approaches rapidly. An entire day of mainlining giblet gravy and indulging in glorious TV zombification. Parades, football games, comfort food out the yin yang and relatives! Oh, wait. Can we add copious amounts of liquor to the list? That always makes my family very entertaining.

Not able to partake of the fun this year - just a wishy washy pseudo version here at pay-by-the-month Casa Apartimento Cecinatrix. I am perfectly fine with splurging for a turkey coma this year even though it may be tight financially. Hey, I'll be napping through a lot of that stuff anyway.

So to honor the crappy economy, the season of gluttony and my ever more annoying feline situation (as in with the very existence of my little habitat-infesting hairball demons), I offer a "new" service: crochet patterns for sale.

Pumpkin Cat Pie

Available at Etsy and Ravelry.


Couldn't bring myself to charge a lot although God knows that I really... really... really... wanted to because these things take for frickin' ever for me to write and draw. We are all in the same 3-ring fiasco of an economy together and maybe the best we can hope for is to all get together online and swap our pennies.

"Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." Or so I've heard it said. I love making cat-pliques but can't imagine making them as items for sale. Just can't see mass producing and stockpiling a product that may or may not sell. I prefer special orders and finite logistics. Requests are great and I love working out the details with customers. That I find creative, fun, goal-oriented and logical. (No. There are no points on the tips of my ears - I just like at least the pretense of organizational order in my life.)

Besides, patterns are actually a fun option, eventually. Time consuming and frustrating yes, but also pretty cool. Share the love without stocking woes or even shipping costs? Mmmmm. Homerina like.

Soooo...

Hook On, my lovelies and feast well.

C

I Love Extortion

bwa ha wheeeeee

Halloween!! Strange houses, empty loot sacks, disguises and .... candy. What's not to love love love love love.

Ooo, ouch. Sorry - sugar rush spiked there for a minute. Still. Totally worth it!!! :-B

Always
C